January 2005

How do I acknowledge my clients?

by Judith Cohen

Hi Judith:
I’m not particularly good at giving my clients acknowledgments. Any suggestions?
E.S.

Dear E.S.:
I really value your honesty in admitting that you are not particularly good in giving your clients acknowledgments. It takes courage to admit that in a public forum.

So, E.S., how did you feel when you just read that? Did it land for you? If so, what made it work? If not, where did I miss you?

A powerful acknowledgment has two parts. The first part consists of highlighting a specific quality or qualities evident in your client’s way of being that create impact for you. The second part consists of making sure that your client has received what you have just told him or her. This is as important as noting the qualities of their being. If they can’t receive the acknowledgment, they can’t use it. Don’t let your client’s gremlin seduce you into backing off. Give the acknowledgment and stay with them until you are sure that they clearly have taken it in.

Why do we give acknowledgments anyway? One obvious answer is that they help our clients feel good about themselves. However, the most important reason for giving an acknowledgment is to bring your client’s attention to some positive quality of their being. The purpose of doing this is to let your client have the experience of feeling deeply known by you. The most powerful acknowledgments come straight from your heart. A true acknowledgment is an act of intimacy. Your client’s being has moved you in some powerful way and you want to share your experience of them with them.

An acknowledgment is a gift that keeps on giving. Not only does it create intimacy and connection between you but it also deepens your client’s learning about whom they are being and their impact in the world. Acknowledgment is also a great tool for helping people forward their action. It’s so much easier to move forward when you are filled with positive feelings about yourself and know the powerful impact you create on others.

When I first started coaching, I was not good at giving acknowledgments to my clients. In fact, it’s safe to say that I often completely failed at it. My idea of giving an acknowledgment back then was to say, “I’d really like to acknowledge you….” If I were my client, I’d probably be thinking, “Great, don’t just talk about acknowledging me, do it!” Some of my old former clients are probably still waiting for me to acknowledge them.

Another common mistake people make when giving an acknowledgment is to acknowledge the actions that their clients have taken rather than speaking about who they were being. A comment such as, “I’d like to acknowledge the great job you did at today’s presentation,” is a nice compliment but doesn’t qualify as an acknowledgment. To acknowledge your client, you would have to say what it was about the way that he or she was being that made the presentation great. An acknowledgment in this case might sound like, “I loved your exuberance at the presentation today. You were so alive that the partners couldn’t help but play with you!” This gives the person helpful data about how he or she was being and the quality of their impact.

In working with coaches, I seemed to have discovered a “secret commandment” that has been passed around the community. “Thou shalt never acknowledge a client until the end of the coaching session.” This is one rule that is meant to be broken. You have my permission. Be brave. You can acknowledge your client any time you want during the session. Why not start off with an acknowledgment just for the fun of it? In fact, why be stingy and settle for only one acknowledgment? Give as many as you can during your sessions. You might be surprised at what positive changes acknowledgment can bring forth in your clients.

What do I do when my client answers all my questions with “I don’t know”?

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have a client who answers me with “I don’t know,” whenever I ask her a powerful question. I don’t know what to do.
W. A.

Dear W.A.
Wow, I don’t know either! Don’t worry, I’m just kidding…. Actually, not knowing is really a great place to be. When you don’t know, there are tons of opportunities to practice curiosity, beginner’s mind and creating in the moment.

Here are a few ideas that you can try:

  • Get curious about the part of your client who doesn’t know the answer. Invite that part of her to have a conversation with you.
  • What DOES your client know? She’s got to know something.
  • Have your client pretend that she does know, and have her make up several answers in the moment. It doesn’t matter whether she thinks her responses are right or not. We make stuff up all the time including the fact that we don’t know. Be playful about it and see if anything rings true for her.
  • Let your client suggest her own questions that might work for her.
  • Just to be creative, ask her gremlin to answer the question and see what comes up. You might find a powerful answer here.

One other notion to consider is that sometimes people immediately answer, “I don’t know,” because they haven’t yet taken the time to explore the question. For some people, it’s like saying, “Um,” or “Uh.” It’s a chance to pause and buy time to consider the question. The next time your client says, “I don’t know,” let her know that she can take some time to consider your question. If it’s a powerful question, it deserves some good attention on her part. Be patient and wait. Trust that she is naturally creative, resourceful and whole, and is capable of coming up with an answer that works for her.