January 2006

Holding true to resolutions

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
It is January again and it is naturally the time of year that people make sweeping resolutions for the coming year. I often find that by February, people are upset with themselves for not being able to hold true to their resolutions. Do you have a suggestion about dealing with this annual let down?
A.K.

Dear A.K.:
I think it is almost impossible for anyone to make large sweeping changes all at once. Consequently, we are doomed to failure. A much more proactive approach is to focus on small changes that will ultimately accrue to form large sweeping changes. In coaching, we often call this skill “chunking down.”

Instead of trying to achieve everything at once, it can be helpful to have a monthly or weekly focus. For example, if one of the things your clients are interested in is better health, they may focus on nutrition for the month of January, aerobic exercise for February, weightlifting in March, etc. By breaking it down, they can ease into a routine and can become familiar with it. Once the routine feels familiar and able to be done consistently, they can add a new skill. By eating healthy meals during the day, they are likely to have more energy and, thus, can feel motivated by February to start aerobic exercising. By March, they can add lifting weights, now that they are eating well, getting enough exercise and have the positive reinforcement of succeeding at their goals. If at any point, they are overwhelmed, they can just go back a step until they are ready to progress again.

At the beginning of each calendar year, I have my clients project what their dreams and visions are for the coming year. I also ask them what is important about that for them and how this will honor them. I have found that it is important to attach goals to the experience of fulfillment or there is no motivation to achieve them. Some clients then find it extremely helpful to break the year down into 12 focus areas and then assign actions to be taken by focus. A focus can either be a section of the Wheel of Life or it can be a type of activity or a way of being that involves all of the sections. The only important point is that it will enable clients to fulfill their vision for the coming year.

We are all capable of taking little steps. When done with the intention of supporting our life dreams and desires, those little steps have quantum reverberations. Here’s my 2006 resolution: No sweeping New Year’s Resolutions for this year! You can be sure that this is a resolution that I will keep.

Unprepared clients

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have had a couple of clients over the last few years who don’t like to come to a coaching call in what I will call a “messy” or incomplete state. They prefer to come to the call and report about what they have accomplished, and have deferred our regular call to a later time so they are more “prepared.” I’ve tried to discourage them from doing so, because they weren’t really doing the things they said they most wanted to accomplish in a timely fashion. And they were not making a dent in what they referred to as their “lack of discipline.” These same clients have often resisted when I’ve suggested accountabilities or that we together set up some goals. As an experienced coach, I’ve explained the benefits of regular appointments and talking over what might have come up to deflect them from their goals, alas to no avail. I’d love some guidance!
S.B.

Dear S.B.:
As a former client of just that type, I can relate to both of your predicaments. I know in my own situation, I had a very powerful streak of perfectionism that was dictating my behavior. Although I never deferred any of my sessions, I used to dread showing up when I hadn’t completed my homework assignment. It was hard for me to imagine that my coach would still like me if I didn’t complete things on time.

It is very important that you and your client clearly understand what both of your roles are in the coaching relationship. Discussing your designed alliance is essential. What does your client see your role to be in this relationship? What do you see your role to be? It will be helpful to reiterate how a Co-Active coaching relationship works. Co-Active coaching is most powerful when it is not only used to report steps taken (or not taken) toward achieving goals but also to discuss feelings about what clients want in their lives. Your effectiveness lives in your ability to call forth your clients’ direct experience, as well as to hold them accountable for what they say they want. Getting clients in touch with their own feelings and beliefs will be as powerful as any activity that you can assign as homework.

Speaking of accountability, many coaches miss the opportunity to fully use the skill of accountability. Accountability is most often applied to actions to be taken by clients. There is a whole other level of accountability that should not be forgotten, which is about holding clients accountable to the fulfillment of their vision and dreams, making choices that support those visions and dreams and being present and aware of what they are experiencing in the moment. If one is not held accountable for the intangibles in life, it becomes that much more difficult to realize the tangible in the form of actions to be taken by clients.

Here is a small tip about homework. The most useful homework assignments that I have given my clients have been co-designed by my clients. It is important that they take an active part in designing the homework and owning it from its inception. That way they are more likely to be invested in doing it in a manner that serves them rather than just doing it to report it to their coach. The more the homework can be focused on a mix of paying attention to their experience while they are doing something, the more the learning will be enhanced.

Once you have discussed and clarified your relationship again, it might be helpful to explore with your clients what being “messy” or incomplete means for them. Have your clients deeply experience the feelings that messy arouses in them. I can imagine that there might be some shame, embarrassment, realizing that they really can’t do it alone, etc. Not wanting to acknowledge or feel these powerful feelings can often cause us to produce results that are exactly the opposite of what we originally intend.

After this exploration, I would also look at redesigning your alliance with these clients to specifically include talking about messy or incomplete situations and the feelings that accompany them. Remind them that blame will not be part of the conversation and that your only job here is to explore all avenues that will help them achieve what their hearts desire. If clients are unwilling or unable to do that, find out what they would be able to do. Perhaps, you can design an agreement that will last only a month or you could design it around a goal that is less charged.

By agreeing to defer the call until they are “more prepared,” you are colluding with a desire that is against their best interest. Rather than deferring the call, you can use that time to discuss the issues that are causing the client to want to defer the call. If for some reason, you still choose to defer the call, it might be helpful to charge them for the missed call. Whether they realize it or not, they are paying a price by waiting until they have something to report to you. Charging them will no doubt provoke a conversation and it will provide the perfect opportunity for you to discuss the above issues with them.