“Ask Judith” Archives

New Year's Resolutions

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
It’s the beginning of the New Year and most of my clients are busy making resolutions that I am sure will be forgotten at some point before the end of 2007. How can I support my clients in their resolve to change?
N. S.

Dear N. S., 
I have two immediate answers to your question, both of which come from different perspectives. My first answer is one that probably will not sound like a coach-like response. I’m not sure that change in the context that you have mentioned it merits such a good reputation. When I think about how long it has taken me to make lasting changes in my life, it usually has been a long and drawn out process with many stops and starts. In addition, the motivating factors for the change were usually external and not particularly organic. I know this experience is not personal to me. My clients have also had similar experiences of change.

I am not against change per se and in fact, I don’t see how we can avoid change as long as we continue to live. However, the changes that New Year’s resolutions generally entail are often changes that we have put off until we decide to project some meaning on some external reason for changing. “Ah, it’s the beginning of another year. I think that I will turn over a new leaf!” Often, this isn’t the most effective way to achieve what we want.

This year, why don’t you suggest a different way to approach the beginning of the New Year? Rather than doing something that feels less than natural (or we would have done it without the need for a resolution), why not focus on what is already working for us? Acknowledge your clients for what they are doing well. Have them focus on their winning strategies instead of looking at where they are more inclined to fail. Be curious with them about how they can adapt their winning strategies to take the place of their less successful ways of operating.

Another potent force that supports our clients’ naturally creative, resourceful and wholeways of being is that of celebration. Celebration rituals honoring changes that have occurred in the past year can be an excellent means to focus attention on ways that your clients have used themselves and their resources to the best of their ability. Celebration creates a resonant energy that often provides a springboard into continued success and positive experience. Unfortunately, many coaches are not all that comfortable coaching people to celebrate their success. Often, coaches lack the vocabulary of excitement, pride and ecstatic joy that a successful situation calls forth. I frequently hear coaches respond repeatedly with “Wow!” when doing celebratory coaching. In order to do effective “up the tube” coaching, it is important to put words to the feelings that your client has and is engendering within you. “Wow!” is a shorthand comment and because it is vague, it can mean any number of things to different people. The more specific you are in your response to your client’s success, the more powerful your coaching will be.

One example from my own practice is that I had a client who managed to find an excellent job and the man whom she is going to marry all within the period of several weeks. She called me bursting with excitement to tell me that she had finally found a job that met her most important criteria for career fulfillment AND her beloved partner had asked her to marry him shortly before she was offered this new job. Both her personal and professional lives were working out in ideal ways and she was as thrilled as she could be. I was mindful of how much courage, faith and belief she had in both herself and her process. I acknowledged these particularly powerful attributes that she exhibited during a time of uncertainty, insecurity and rejection. She kept on, consistently taking action and honestly sharing herself in various professional and social situations.

Our celebration turned into a very visceral experience. We jumped for joy, we whooped, we blessed her and everyone around her who helped contribute to her success. We also cast out all the vestiges of negativity that popped up along the way. Most importantly, I had her breathe deeply and victoriously into the moment, as she honored her success and felt her personal power coursing through her body. This is an important step, as it grounded her mind and body and gave her the safety to soar knowing that her feet were firmly planted on the ground.

Finally, I had her concentrate on what energy still needed to be expressed in order for her to take her next steps. She was very excited and she still had some trepidation about this unfamiliar terrain of fulfillment into which she was stepping. At this point, I shared one of my favorite Jewish prayers. It is said at the beginning of starting something new. I will paraphrase its translation. Blessed be the Holy One who has brought us to this current moment. Bless all of the good (success, joy, love, etc.) and all of the bad (pain, failure, loss, etc.) that have brought us to this current moment. The purpose of saying this prayer and of expressing her awareness of the energy within and outside of her was to put sounds and words to her experience. Many experiences are beyond words, but I believe that it is important to name as much as we can in the service of creating awareness, appreciation and learning.

Here is one other perspective. New Year’s resolutions do not have to be different than any other change-eliciting goal that we work with our clients on during the rest of the year. However, because it is the beginning of a new cycle, I think that people put extra pressure on themselves to succeed. Paradoxically, this very stress can lead to failure to achieve the goal that they have set for themselves. The more stressed that a client becomes about reaching his or her goal, the less enjoyable the goal becomes and the more the client will find ways to avoid dealing with the stress of having to succeed.

With any goal, I think that the most important question that we can ask our clients is: “For the sake of what do you want to achieve this goal?” Unless the answer is truly compelling to your client, you are looking at a short-lived commitment to this particular goal. The most important support that you can give your clients is having them find their passion about whatever it is that they are doing. Passion reinforces our desire, which then motivates us to act in ways that will assist us in achieving our goals. Your support will no doubt be a valuable adjunct for your clients, but their own passion and commitment to achieving their goals is what makes the difference between successful change and maintenance of the status quo.