“Ask Judith” Archives

Out of the ordinary behavior

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
My client came to our session the other day and acted very strangely. She quit her job and is now moving across the country to live with a man she met just a few days earlier. Until this point, she has not done anything impulsive. I don’t know what to make of her behavior. I could probably make better sense of it if she were willing to talk about the choices she is making, but she has already taken action and doesn’t want to discuss her decisions. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions about this situation?
T.L.

Dear T.L.: 
I don’t know how long you have been working with this client, so I don’t know how out-of-the-ordinary her behavior actually is. If you have been working with her several years and this is the first time that she has acted this way, with no history of similar behavior before this, this could be the sign that something is amiss. On the other hand, if you have only been working with her for several months and she neglected to tell you that she behaves this way periodically, there still could be something wrong but her behavior is not necessarily abnormal for her.

Without more information, I can’t give you a definitive strategy for working with her. However, I am very curious about the following things:

Has she been unhappy with her job? Have you been exploring issues around her career and/or job satisfaction? Quitting her job might not be as impetuous as you seem to imply if her job has been problematic for her. Although it may not be a decision that you might make, there might be some power in leaving her job just when she did. On the other hand, if she had a secure job that she enjoyed and things were fine, I would be very concerned that she abruptly stopped working.

Has she been looking for a relationship? Have you discussed her prior relationships and what she wants now? Does this man share her values? What kind of connection do they have? I believe that if you ask her these questions in a truly curious and non-judgmental way, she is likely to want to share her good feeling with you. On the other hand, if she is feeling ambivalent about her choice to follow him you might come up against some resistance to your questions. You can point out that ambivalence would be natural in this situation and that she might benefit from listening to all the perspectives that she is considering even though she has already taken action. Again, if this is totally out of the blue and she has not mentioned anything about relationship before, I would wonder about her impulsivity in regard to this relationship.

I don’t know how old your client is. If she is in her 20s or early 30’s, it seems like these decisions might be originating in the optimism and exuberance of youth. Doing something like this at 50 feels very different.

Your client’s actions and decisions may in fact represent a courageous move to trust her gut and follow her bliss. On the other hand, they also might be symptomatic of either a medical or psychological problem. I would stay curious and open with her. Should she show increasing impulsivity or lack of judgment in her choices, I would share your concerns with her.

Client is stuck in the past

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
My client always wants to focus on talking about his past. He does have some goals for the future, but he’s more interested in using events that have occurred in the past to explain either why it is hard for him to get things done now or why he is currently failing at achieving his goal. I keep pointing him toward his future but he seems stuck in the past. What can I do to help him change direction?
V.J.

Dear V. J.: 
This is a prime opportunity to apply a lot of curiosity in your coaching. Clearly, your client has an attachment to past events. Rather than assume that it’s necessarily a bad thing, try changing your perspective and imagine that his “past” is now being relived in his present. What if there is a helpful message that these events are trying to communicate to him?

For example, suppose every time your client wanted to do something exciting as a young person, he got the message that it was too dangerous. It is likely that he put his exciting desires on hold until whoever gave him that message would no longer respond that way. However, after hearing the message enough times, he likely still believes some part of it. Now that he is an adult, he might be angry with the person or people who told him that excitement was too dangerous. He might also want to blame them for the current lack of excitement in his life.

However, there are many other ways to deal with this prior set of events. One method would be to be curious about the message and its impact on him. Rather than merely rehashing what happened when he was younger, you could engage him in an inquiry about the message. Questions such as: What positive outcomes could be related to the message that excitement is dangerous? What did you have to sacrifice in order to stay safe? Are all forms of excitement dangerous? What precautions can you take to minimize some of the danger? What gifts does danger have to give you? Questions such as these help your client deepen his learning about himself and the choices that he made in the past. They also open the door to examining what is currently true or not true for him in the present.

Another question that you might want to ask your client when he continually talks about his past is: What do you want me to know about you that your past can tell me better than your present? In my experience, people tend to hold on to experiences that were either very good or very bad. Perhaps, he wants you to know how much he gave up by not following his natural excitement and how important it is to him to remain connected to it now. Perhaps he is currently looking for validation and/or permission to have excitement in his life. Frequently, clients are less than direct about expressing these feelings because the true expression of these feelings was never a viable option for them. Once your client becomes clear about the meaning he is ascribing to his past, you can then have him look to see what he wants to do in his present. Further, you can use his past as an ally in achieving his dreams for his future.

While coaching is generally focused on seeing options and possibilities in the present and for the future, we always carry some part of our past into our present. This is not something to deny. There is much learning and expertise embedded in our pasts. As George Santayana once sagely remarked, “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”