“Ask Judith” Archives

Fast talking client

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
I have a client who makes it very hard for me to intrude and take charge. She speaks very quickly and hardly takes a breath between sentences. Do you have any good intrusion suggestions?
V.B.

Dear V.B., 
I couldn’t help but immediately notice the way you phrased the first sentence of your question. “I have a client who makes it very hard for me to intrude and take charge.” Notice the difference between your perspective and this perspective: “I have a hard time intruding and taking charge with one of my clients.” Or possibly even this perspective: “I do not like to interrupt clients (or anyone for that matter) because I believe that it is rude and impolite.” In your version, you have given your power to the client rather than owning your part of the Co-Active coaching relationship. Do you see the difference between your statement and taking responsibility for your choice to not interrupt her?

The coaching relationship is based upon both the coach and the client giving 100% to each side of the work. When you give away your power to the client, you are making the work harder for yourself, while at the same time letting the client continue with an unhelpful behavior. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, the primary definition of intrude is “to put or force in inappropriately, especially without invitation, fitness or permission.” I would examine the alliance that you designed with your client during your first coaching session. What permission did you request in regard to intruding when your client is talking? It is essential that your alliance allow you the power to use all of your skills and tools for the benefit of your client. If you have not negotiated a way to successfully intrude with your client, you have denied both yourself and your client the full range of your coaching potential.

It is very common for people to assume that it is rude and impolite to interrupt people and intrude in a conversation. This is probably a good rule to follow in normal conversation. However, coaching is not a “normal” conversation. It is a specific type of conversation dedicated to deepening the client’s learning and forwarding the actions toward the client’s desired goals. In this case, the rules of polite conversation, don’t necessarily apply. I like to think of intruding and taking charge in metaphorical terms. If you were standing on a sidewalk engaged in a conversation with a friend and suddenly you saw a teenager on a skateboard quickly approaching your friend from behind, about to collide with her, would you continue your conversation with her, hoping that she notices that she is about to be hit by this skateboarder, or would you automatically grab her arm and try to move her out of harm’s way? When intrusion is necessary, it is not only the safest thing to do, it is also an extremely polite gesture in the context of the circumstances.

Assuming that you have now stepped into your full power as a coach and you have successfully agreed that you can intrude whenever you deem it necessary, just how does one effectively intrude? I have several ways that have worked for me. The first and most powerful is that I ask the client how they would like me to intrude when I deem it necessary for the sake of the client. I then follow their suggestion while also reminding them that this is what they have asked me to do in these circumstances. Very rarely do I receive resistance, since the client has specifically asked me to act in this way.

If my interjections of ”Excuse me,” or “Could you stop for a second?” or “I’m having trouble following you,” remain unheeded, then I resort to my next level of intrusion. That is to clearly and loudly say, “STOP!” until my client stops talking. I then say that I am having a hard time hearing and keeping up with their part of the conversation. Usually, when I employ this method, it is totally true. I make it very clear that I am interested in what they have to say but that their delivery is making it impossible for me to follow their message. When I can hear what they are saying, and I intrude, I always tell my clients the reason for my intrusion. Sometimes it is because they have gotten off track, sometimes it’s because I feel that they are avoiding a more painful topic, sometimes I feel that they are trying to create an increased distance between us.

I am imagining that your client frequently speaks quickly and doesn’t often stop for breaks. It is possible that she does this only with you or that she does this in other conversations, as well? Perhaps she is unaware of her behavior. It could be very helpful for her to know that she does this and to explore with her the impact of her behavior. How do you feel when she is constantly talking and not letting you interact with her? Have you thought about sharing your reaction with her? When you don’t intrude, what is her response to your coaching? Sometimes clients do need a safe space to talk without interruption. However, if this happens every session and there is no desire for your input, I would become quite curious about how your client viewed your role as coach. Some clients are very self-motivated and don’t require much direction from their coaches. However, my sense is that this may not be true for your client.

I know from my early days as a coaching client that I often talked a lot in order to feel like I had control of the conversation. Sometimes this was to avoid the fact that I was unable to do my homework or that I did not want to talk about my insecurities around promoting myself as a coach. I’m sure that it was as painful for my coach as it was for me when I didn’t let him say much during those sessions in which I was particularly avoidant. However, we finally did explore the matter and it opened a great deal of space and opportunity for me to deal with my failures and my fears. It was only after my coach intruded upon me that I was able to start to grow my coaching practice.

Finally, if you find it absolutely impossible to get your client to stop talking while you are coaching her, I would send her an email immediately after the session and detail what you see happening and what you want her to know. You can then pose several questions for her to think about or give her an inquiry about intrusion that she can work with for the coming week.

Once you have interrupted your client, you must still intrude. Intrusion in this case means to create an interpersonal interaction with your client that will take him or her in a more helpful and powerful direction than the one just being pursued. This means that you can do one of many things. You can articulate what is going on in the moment. That might sound like, “Client, every time you say that you want to talk about your finances, you divert the conversation to some other area of your life. I know that your finances are very important to you and I want to support you in effectively dealing with them. Tell me specifically about your income this month.” Or, you can share what you are feeling in the moment: “Client, you have just been talking nonstop for the past 10 minutes and I have tried to connect with you without success. I’m left feeling very isolated at the moment. I feel as if you don’t really care about what I have to say. How are you feeling right now?” Or you can pose a powerful question. “Client, on the topic of your family, what do you really want from them at this time?” It is not enough to interrupt the flow of words coming at you. You must also move the conversation forward and name what is happening in the moment.

Now that you’ve interrupted your client’s monologue and inserted your experience, powerful questions, etc., it’s equally important to take charge. Don’t slip back to a more passive stance. Stay directed with your client, both in content and in action. This can take considerable resolve on your part, but it is essential if you want to create an atmosphere in which your client can succeed at his or her goals. Although it may seem counterintuitive and impolite to intrude and take charge, it is an excellent form of jarring the client’s usual perspective and behavior so that the client gets a fresh view and hopefully new energy for the pursuit of her or his deepest desires.