March 2006

Retirement and starting a new chapter

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I just got a new client who has been a successful CEO for the past 20 years, and at the age of 65, he has decided to retire and start a new chapter of his life. I’ve never worked with a retired person before. Do you have any suggestions for places to focus our work? 
R.E.

Dear R.E.: 
Retirement is a specific rite of passage whose meaning has shifted a great deal in the last century. Due to medical, social and personal advances, most people who reach the traditional age of retirement are in good mental and physical health and have many productive years ahead of them. Many Baby Boomers have had successful work lives and thus have the means to enjoy a fulfilling retirement. It is likely that many people who have the financial ability will opt for voluntary early retirement, such as your client has chosen.

Retirement can feel like a double-edged sword for people. For those who have defined themselves through their employment, this can represent a loss of identity and possibly perceived status. Since they are no longer “doing” their job, they feel that they can no longer define themselves in that way. While some may feel this as a welcome relief, many others will need to work on a redefinition of self that is not predicated on an employment label. There is a creative opportunity now to explore your client’s “being,” in addition to what it is that they might want to do in the future.

As your client redefines his life, it is essential to keep his focus on what gives him meaning in life. This can be a time of great creativity and learning for him. Now that he is no longer working full-time, what is he passionate about? For the sake of what does he want to get up every morning? While many people initially focus on having time to relax, that may not be enough to stoke his passion for the next 25 or 30 years. What values does he want to honor in this next part of his life? Who does he see himself becoming? What legacy does he want to leave for others?

The latter part of life is usually a period of life review. Is there anything in your client’s life that he regrets not spending more time on? Perhaps this is a time to connect in a deeper and more authentic manner with family and friends. This can also be a time of exploration of earlier paths not chosen that are still of interest to your client. Aging is not antithetical to growth. In fact, healthy aging assumes that one is continuing to grow and live with purpose and commitment. Your task as coach is to nurture that healthy process, whether the person is in their 30s or their 80s.

As I have gotten older, I have noticed how important legacy has become for me. What do I want to give those who come after me? How can I benefit others through my experience? It is likely that your client will have some failures among his successes. How can his legacy give meaning to both his successes and failures so that others can benefit from all of his experience? Discussing legacy is a great way to acknowledge a life well lived. It can also provide focus for this next period of learning and growth.

American society has tended to segregate elders and youngsters. In earlier years, when generations of families tended to live in the same house or at least the same neighborhood, everyone associated with everyone else. Today, elders can often seem foreign to those not used to living in a culture that honors all generations. You can provide a lot of value and support to your retiring client. He also is offering you a great gift. If all goes well, you will be his age in time and you will have that much more wisdom at your disposal when looking at your own retirement.

Coaching demo client feels shame after coaching

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith: 
I did a public talk last week and I coached a client in front of the audience. During the session, she got in touch with a great deal of emotion and began to cry. At first, she was okay, but then when she remembered that people were watching her, she felt very ashamed. No matter what acknowledgment I gave her or how her audience commended her for her courage and openness, she was unable to give up her shame about crying in front of the audience. How do you deal with clients who feel overwhelming shame? 
P.K.

Dear P.K.: 
Shame is an unbearably painful emotion that often arises in the face of loss of control. At the same time, it is a potent force of control used by institutions and families to train and socialize people to the norms of a society. By crying in public, your client may have felt like she violated a cultural or social norm and thus feels shame.

What is interesting to me is not that your client initially felt the shame but that she was unable to take in your acknowledgment of her or the audience’s feedback about her courage and openness. This leads me to think that she has a powerful belief system (or “gremlin”) about crying in public that is blocking her recovery from the shame.

When I first become aware that shame is present in a session, I stop whatever else is happening and focus on the shame. I do this because shame is such a powerful emotion that ignoring it often short-circuits any other work that can happen in the moment. I ask the person what he or she is feeling and what might be causing these feelings. I then have the person go deeper into the feeling and break it down into components. One part may be, “I lost control.” Another part may be, “I looked weak.” Another part may be, “People will think that I am untrustworthy.” I keep breaking it down until there are no other possibilities.

Then I follow the energy and go to the one that had the most charge on it. For example, the fear of looking weak might be the one that is most powerful for my client. Then I have the client describe what weak looked like. “What is the worst thing for you about looking weak?” From there, I would ask, “If the situation were reversed and you were seeing someone else ‘look weak’ what would you be thinking or feeling?” Usually, this is where the client’s negative voices become really clear. Most likely, the response would be one of empathy and caring rather than judgment and condemnation. At this point, I then ask, “What do your judging voices really want? What’s underneath the judgment?” I can imagine that the person wants the respect and love of others, even when crying. Now the question is, “Are you willing to give that to yourself?” I then acknowledge the client’s courage to be vulnerable. Finally, I might request that he or she find one other person to share this experience with and to ask for support.

Most of us have experienced self-induced shame or have been shamed by others at some point in our lives. Shame, while painful and isolating, is a normal human feeling. Perhaps it is the very fact that we ARE humans and not gods that we feel shame. However, there is a sacred moment just on the other side of feeling shame. That is the claiming of our naturally creative, resourceful and whole humanity, complete with all of our beauty and all of our imperfections.