April 2005

What tips do you have for powerful last sessions?

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I’m about to end a year-long coaching relationship with my client, and I was wondering if you have any tips for powerful last sessions.
DT

Dear DT:
There are many things that you can do in your last session but before talking about that, let’s look at the whole reason for having completion in the first place. In effect, what we are looking at is saying goodbye. We are not generally well trained in the practice of saying goodbye to one another. Thus, we spend a lot of time designing intake sessions in order to say hello to a client and to welcome them to the work, but often coaches do not give an equal amount of time or energy to the act of saying goodbye.

Saying goodbye is a potent parting gift that you can give your client. What do you need to say or do in order to offer a powerful, heartfelt, complete goodbye? What does your client need? It can be helpful to co-design the process with your client. That way you’ll be sure not to miss anything that is important to your client.

No matter how much you may both agree that it’s time to end the coaching relationship, there are likely to be ambivalent feelings. You both can celebrate a job well done, share excitement for what’s next for your client while at the same time express sadness at the loss of the structure of your current relationship. Then there are the feelings that don’t get shared, such as possible financial anxiety on your part if more than one client is ending at the same time or relief on the client’s part that they can relax until they hire another coach.

When I complete with a client, I’m interested in both of us expressing several things. Most importantly, “What is the powerful learning that has come out of our coaching relationship?” I like to provide an overview not only of the changes that the person has experienced but also who they have become in the process. I also share the impact of those changes on me. As my clients have changed, I too have learned and grown along with them and I always like to acknowledge my clients as catalysts in my own growth experience.

I’m also interested in hearing about my client’s disappointments. There is much learning on both sides when the disappointments are expressed. Sometimes despite everything that I have done to design our alliance to express disappointment, a client will wait until completion to verbalize their feelings. This, too, is an opportunity for learning, as we wonder together what might have been different had the client not waited to express himself or herself fully.

Coincidentally, I am ending with a client this week. In talking about completion, he suggested that each ending was a small death and as such could benefit from speaking about forgiveness. Our working relationship has been fruitful and vibrant, and, even so, I can see a value to expressing forgiveness on both sides.

It’s important to create a positive and powerful resonance to launch your client into the next piece of work in their lives. I find it mutually enriching to share the dream of what’s next and to offer something of me to take with them. Even though we will no longer be coaching, I am available to support them in whatever way I can to enhance their future endeavors.

Finally, if your relationship was a good one and your client got benefit from your work with him or her, don’t hesitate to have your client write a testimonial for you. This is a nice way for both of you to remember the value of the work and for your client to support you in your practice.

A conscious and intentional goodbye will make your client’s next hello that much more powerful.

A client has developed a crush on me. What do I do?

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have a client who has developed a crush on me. While I have made it clear to him that I don’t want to be involved with him sexually, I do feel a pull toward friendship. We have occasionally seen each other socially during the time that I have been coaching him. However, it’s becoming increasingly harder to coach him as his crush is deepening rather than lessening. I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?
JR

Dear JR:
While it is great to be wanted, as a professional coach it’s essential that you put your client’s best interests first. This means that it’s important for you to establish clear and professional boundaries with your client. Even if you did feel a mutual attraction to your client, as a professional coach you are not at liberty to act upon those desires. The first step is to clearly articulate your professional stand.

Second, I would talk with your client about the difference between his fantasy about you and what is true in real life. Assuming that you have been authentic and genuine with your client, he does have some true sense of who you are. However, that is very different than having a day-to-day relationship with you. Get curious about your client’s fantasy while reinforcing the fact that this is a fantasy and not something that you are going to act upon. What qualities about his fantasy are most appealing to your client? What is your client yearning for? What is it about you that fuels his fantasy? Have him look to see what you represent and support him to find what he is looking for with an appropriate partner.
Powerful Co-Active coaching relationships engender an intimacy that some people don’t normally experience. The coaching relationship is both a safe house for our clients’ dreams and a laboratory to make these dreams real. Because this relationship is so intimate, some people can confuse this with romantic love.

Romantic feelings can be a wonderful opening, a symbolic experience or they can also be a form of the gremlin. A crush can provide a potent distraction from whatever else is going on in the client’s life. To that end, a crush represents a very heartwarming form of the gremlin. What is the client avoiding in his life? What remains unspoken with others in his life? Get curious about all the aspects of this crush.

Finally, you’ve mentioned that you’ve socialized with your client on occasion. With this client, it is important not to mix any other role than coach with your working relationship with him. Rules against dual relationships protect not only our clients but also provide a safety net for us as coaches. Even a slight tear in the net can have unintended impact. The most helpful rule of thumb in dealing with our relationship to our clients is to ask the question, “Will this benefit or harm my client?” To the degree that you dilute your coaching relationship, you run the risk of not fully serving your client and at worst creating harm on both sides.

If your client persists in his crush and the coaching work is not proceeding, tell your client that you will refer him to another coach who can better support his true needs.