April 2006

Thinking about my clients after sessions

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I am a new coach and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of my clients. I think about them a lot during the week. I can’t stop wondering about them and what is happening for them during the time between our coaching sessions. Is this typical? More importantly, how does one stop thinking about one’s clients all the time? 
S.T.

Dear S.T.: 
This seems to be a typical phase that many new coaches go through when they start their coaching practices. On one hand, it is a good sign that you care about your clients and are committed to doing a good job. On the other hand, these concerned thoughts may be sourced by your saboteurs and, thus, need to be managed.

My first suggestion is to firmly stand on the cornerstone that your clients are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Usually our concern is coming from some fear that we may have hurt our clients or that we will damage them in some way because we are beginners at coaching. The first step to take is to pay attention to your clients. Are they acting differently since you spoke to them last? Perhaps you did hurt their feelings. Encourage them to talk about how they feel. If they can’t talk to you about it, it is likely that this is an issue that arises elsewhere in their lives. Have them look at the cost that they are paying by not letting you know how they really feel so that you can work it out together.

Most likely, you are feeling more sensitive about your work than they are. Ask yourself what is it that has you constantly thinking about your clients? It is easy for the Saboteur to continuously fuel delusions about the need to be perfect, rather than appreciating the value of each coaching encounter being a possibility for both you and your client to learn more about yourselves and each other.

Because you are also naturally creative, resourceful and whole, when you are truly worried that you may have done something hurtful, it is a good idea to either call one of your supervisors if you are in a Certification program or hire a supervisor with whom you can discuss the issue. Our mistakes are our best teachers. Discussing both our mistakes and our successes with a more experienced coach can provide perspective and deepen our learning in ways that we may not anticipate.

As you become more comfortable with your role as a professional coach, you will learn to be fully present with your clients when you are with them and unattached when you are not with them. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them or even that you don’t think of them at all, but it does mean that you are not grasping at the coaching relationship as if you need it more than your clients do. Most clients are coming to you for support and direction. They are not coming to you because you have some omnipotent power that will either solve all of their problems for them or at the other extreme that will damage them for life.

I periodically think about each of my clients during the week. I think, “Oh, this book that I’m reading right now will be really helpful for Client X,” or “Client Y is giving a big presentation today. I’m going to send her some supportive energy.” Sometimes I think about my clients because I am going through something similar and I think about the coincidence or synchronicity of our experiences. Occasionally, I will be preoccupied after a session when one of my clients is going through a hard time. I currently have a client who is dealing with a very upsetting event. I am managing my own anxiety about this situation so that I can be fully present when I am coaching him. It will do him no good if I am just as upset as he is.

At some point, after working with enough clients, you will notice that your propensity for putting so much time into thinking about your clients will lessen. This is not because you care any less but because you are becoming more secure in and knowledgeable about coaching. As you learn to trust yourself, you will also learn to trust your clients. Coaching, like any learning experience, is a developmental process that takes place over time. Allow yourself the time to grow and the time to learn. It’s always easiest to do this in the company of another more experienced guide. Don’t forget to use your coach and qualified supervisors to get through this developmental period.

Finally, the most important answer to your question is to create a big and fulfilled life of your own. If your own life is satisfying, nurturing and exciting to you, you won’t need to obsess about your clients’ lives. I always like to ask people when they have frequently recurring thoughts that are not helpful to them, “If you weren’t spending time thinking about _____ (fill in the blank), then what else would you be doing?”