April 2007

Meeting Face to Face

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
I have been working with a client for the past year. We have a great coaching relationship and I really enjoy working with her. The issue that has suddenly come up for me is that there is an opportunity for me to meet her in person. We have worked solely by telephone during our entire coaching relationship, and I am suddenly very nervous about meeting her in person. I guess that I have built up a picture of her in my mind and I don’t want reality to change it. What are your thoughts on this matter?
J.V.

Dear J.V.: 
It is not uncommon to have a long and satisfying coaching relationship by phone and to never meet your client in person. It is also true that many coaches and clients do decide to meet one another in person. This can occur prior to beginning the coaching relationship, during the coaching relationship or after their coaching relationship has ended. I have coached many people and never met them just as I have coached people for long periods of time and then met them in person.

In my own experience, I am always happy to meet my client in person wherever we are in our coaching relationship. No matter how well I feel that I know my client, I always glean some extra non-verbal information and sense of them when we meet in person. Even if we have exchanged pictures, there is still so much more to experience in a live animated conversation.

Your question has elicited my curiosity. What is it about your picture of this client that feels so important to you? Do you envision yourself to be someone just like her and you are fearful of experiencing your differences? Or do you imagine her to be very different from you and you might have less positive feelings about sharing your similarities? You mentioned that you don’t want to change your picture of your client. What about her picture of you? Do you want that to remain the same as well? I also wonder whether there is possibly an unconscious erotic attachment that you might have to your vision of your client. Could you be worried that changing your vision of her might change the dynamic of your work together?

I am also curious about whether you have had these concerns about meeting other clients in person. If this concern feels related to only this particular client, it would be wise for you to consider that perhaps you are picking up on some of your client’s hesitations as well as your own. It might be helpful to explore your client’s fantasies about meeting you in person. What is she hoping for in having an in-person connection? How will her image of you change as a result of this meeting? How does she imagine your image of her will change?

Talking on the phone together allows both of you to construct fantasies about the other person that may or may not be true. One topic of conversation that might be helpful to explore is what happens for your client when reality is either better than the fantasy or worse than the fantasy? How does she deal with deeply positive experiences in her life and how does she deal with disappointments? What can she learn from her face-to-face meeting with you?

Perhaps your client is the only client that you have met solely by telephone and this is a new experience for you. Your nervousness seems natural, as this is uncharted territory for you. On the other hand, if you have similar feelings about all of your clients, what is it about meeting them in person that feels so uncomfortable?

I can make up all sorts of stories about what is going on for you but probably none of them will be helpful, as only you know what is true for you. So rather than give you a specific answer to your question, my suggestion is to be curious with yourself and with your client. Find out what is hard for you to be with in person with each other.

I do hope that you also explore these questions for yourself. It might be especially helpful to explore them in your own coaching sessions. Feel free to write back after you meet your client in person, if you do decide to do so. Actually, I would love it if you would write back to me even if you decide not to meet with your client in person. I’m sure that this topic can provide powerful learning for you. I’m curious to find out what you learn about yourself and your client.