May 2006

Client has no support from friends and family

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have a client with whom I’ve been working for a bit over a year. She’s done great work, has achieved several of her goals and is still working diligently on the larger goals that she has set for herself. While this all sounds good, she has not been supported by many of her friends and family. Recently, they have been passive-aggressive toward her and some have even been deliberately verbally hostile to her. What can I say to her to keep her inspired when those closest to her are cutting her down? 
S.A.

Dear S.A.: 
The good news about coaching is that it changes our life. The bad news about coaching is that it changes our life. I don’t mean to be flip in my answer to you, but change is often threatening not only to ourselves but also to others around us. If you see your client not just as a single individual but as part of a larger social system, you can see how it might be upsetting to the other people in the system that she is not “playing the game” that they originally agreed upon.

Your client’s success may be evoking envy in these other people, as well as fear. Who is she going to become? Will she leave us? Who are we going to have to be to keep up with her? Now that she’s becoming a “big shot,” she probably won’t hang out with us any more.Although we say that our society loves success and happiness, we don’t always encourage it. As CTI says in its curriculum, “Living a fulfilled life is a radical act.” Congratulations on supporting your client’s success, even in the face of these obstacles.

It takes courage to break the mold. It also takes commitment and belief in oneself. Your client can use these strengths to initiate curious and caring conversations with her friends and family. Are they really angry with her or is there something else is going on? What do they need from her? What would she like from them? Hopefully, with deeper understanding, things will change.

If not, it is important to acknowledge the loss that your client is experiencing because of her success. It will be helpful for her to mourn her hopes for her family’s and friends’ support of her endeavors. You might also consider suggesting to your client that she make connections with people who share similar goals and interests. It is important that she doesn’t let her family and friends drain her creative energy and motivation to succeed.

Keep having her tap into her values and keep acknowledging her. You are both doing great work together. It’s possible that as your client achieves more success, she will turn into a positive role model among her family and friends. It sounds like she is in a transitional state right now. Perhaps she can find a way to engage them in her process. That way they can be both proud of her and of themselves for contributing to her success.

Facing life and death situations

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
Two weeks ago, my husband and I received the devastating news that he has advanced cancer and probably will only survive another six to eight months. As you can imagine, this has turned our lives totally upside down. Not only am I horrified at facing such a monumental loss, I also find myself angry with my clients who seem to have minor problems in comparison to what my husband is going through now. Most of the time, I can hardly concentrate on what my clients are saying because I feel like I am wasting precious moments that I could be spending with my husband. Do you have any thoughts on how to work when you are faced with a life and death situation in your own life?
A.A.

Dear A.A.: 
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I can only imagine how hard this time must be for you. It sounds like the most important thing that you can do for your clients is to be honest with yourself about what your own needs are right now. Naturally, it’s hard for you to separate yourself from your own current experience. This is perfectly understandable, given how recent and shocking this news has been. I imagine that you are putting a lot of energy into self-managing around your clients. Given your current circumstances, I wonder whether this is actually beneficial for you. I also wonder whether your clients are consciously or unconsciously picking up on your anger, despite your best efforts to self-manage.

Did you go directly back to work when you heard the news or did you take some time to start to assimilate this new and traumatic information? Some people become what I describe as “hyper-functional” in the face of trauma. They go to work and compartmentalize their feelings until the traumatic situation has passed. When it then becomes safe, they allow themselves to feel their feelings and make sense of what happened. Other people need to feel their feelings immediately. They typically experience most or all of the feelings that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified as being associated with grief and loss. It is possible to cycle through these feelings many times before they are played out and digested.

There is no one right way to deal with trauma. You need to see what feels correct for you. Whichever way you do deal with this trauma, you can model for your clients taking care of yourself as an essential part of dealing with trauma. In my own experience of working during several life-and-death crises, I found that briefly stating what was happening at the beginning of the session was helpful in allowing me to more fully show up on my calls. Although it may sound hard to imagine, some days I was actually thankful to be working, as it gave me a respite from dealing with the pain of the current trauma.

I also did take time off when I felt too overwhelmed to attend to my clients’ needs. My clients understood and were supportive when they knew what circumstances I was facing. There was one period when I took off an entire month because I knew that I could not work at a level that would be satisfying to either my clients or myself.

I have found that clients learn as much from observing us lead our lives as they do from the questions and challenges that we offer them. We become heroic when we do what seems impossible in the moment. The most powerful coaching you can offer your clients is to consciously decide to take care of yourself, make arrangements for your clients if you will be gone any major length of time and honestly honor your experience as you show up for them in the midst of a crisis. Finally, don’t do this on your own. Definitely use your coach for support and talk to others who have faced this same experience. There are many grief support groups available and even some coaches who are now specializing in grief.

Although your question is not about your husband’s condition, I do want to offer you an option to consider if you haven’t already done so. When given a negative prognosis, it can be helpful to get a second opinion. Even if the second doctor agrees with the first, he or she might have other ways to work with your husband that might improve the quality of his final months or possibly extend his life. No matter how final your husband’s prognosis sounds, in the end, it is merely a guess. No one can absolutely predict the date of death for anyone else.