May 2007

My life is blowing up

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
My personal life is blowing up, and I can feel the impact this is having on my coaching. My presence is down; my curiosity is down; my ability to view myself as creative, resourceful and whole is down. I feel I’m not serving my clients well. Before my calls, I muster myself, but I feel the creep of the down-ness set in and hold it ALL down. Can you help shed light on managing this kind of situation?
D.D.

Dear D.D.:
First and most importantly, what do you need in order to take care of yourself during this period of flux and upset? This is a traumatic time for you and, as is true of all people who are being traumatized, we need to take your needs into consideration first. So, do you need some time off to just be with what’s going on? If you don’t need some time off, do you need some hours each day to be with yourself or other supportive people? Do you need more time with your own coach? What support systems are available to you right now so that your needs are being adequately served? Never underestimate taking care of yourself. It can provide a helpful answer to so many of our problems.

Second, I assume that you are not the only person who has or will undergo domestic strife. Given that, you are now a human laboratory for others in the same position. How is what you are going through in the moment, helpful for your clients? If your situation is not directly similar to that of your clients, it may be indirectly similar. I imagine that you are feeling some sense of major loss. This is a topic that most people are afraid to deal with. Here you are in the midst of things being radically shaken up and you have a front-row seat on the action. What’s the learning here? Even if it is very early in your process, you can just note what is happening. That’s an excellent skill for your clients to learn, too. Being present to all of one’s experience enhances life even when being present entails a great deal of pain or “down-ness,” as you so wonderfully put it.

As you probably know from other down times, downs end. They may not end as quickly as you want them to end, but they do end. The trick is to stay in touch with the rest of you that is so much bigger than the down. This is where your coach, your friends and family can have a positive impact. They can remind you of who you are and not have you completely characterize yourself by your current depressed mood. Having outlived many down periods in my own life, I know the joy of surviving and even thriving because of them.

For instance, I had a down when I was recently in the hospital. I got really curious about what my down was about. Ostensibly, I was in pain and didn’t want to be in the hospital. However, at a deeper level, I was feeling upset by the fact that my body had a different agenda than my mind. I had been forgetting to include my body in my daily negotiations about what was important and my gut finally said, “Enough! If this is the only way to get you to pay attention then this is the way it has to be.” At that point, although still in pain, I started to feel better and at least a little bit more directed in taking care of myself when I got out of the hospital.

Although you may feel like your mood and mental state are getting in the way of your being the best coach that you can be right now, you also might be opening up new sensitivities that weren’t available before this upset. Pay attention to what you are listening to in your clients. Pay attention also to what your saboteurs are saying about you and your clients. If you can listen to the saboteur’s voice non-judgmentally, you are likely to reap information that will help you be with your clients in possibly a different way.

As another example, I am having increased difficulty hearing these days. (You are lucky to catch me with so many physical traumas of late!) My gremlin is very loudly and incessantly telling me that I am being a bad coach since I can’t hear as well as I used to hear. When I stopped and actually listened to my gremlin’s concern, I found out that my gremlin was most worried about my sense of disconnection when I can’t hear. Through this listening process, I found some helpful information about what I could do to increase my sense of connection with my clients in those moments. Given that connection is my top value, this was a very important piece of work for me.

So, my best suggestions for now are: 1) take care of yourself, 2) stay present to what is going on, 3) get curious about your process and see if there is any way to use your experience to further your clients’ learning, and 4) take some action that implements your learning.

Mostly importantly, be kind to yourself. You are working in the midst of what I imagine is equivalent to open heart surgery. Don’t expect to be working at your peak levels. If you really can’t work for a couple of days or longer, take some time off. Do what you need to do to heal. This is very important. Ask yourself what would be best for you right now. I believe that your inner wisdom knows more than I do in this matter.

I’m sending good thoughts your way. I know that you will make this situation work for you and your clients. Let me know if you need further support.