June 2005

How should I deal with a client who bores me?

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have a client who bores me and tires me out each time that I coach her. She is very anxious and insists on focusing on minutia rather than the important issues. I have been thinking about ending our coaching relationship, but I wanted to see if you have any suggestions before I make that radical move. 
Z.W.

Dear Z.W.:
This is a prime time to use your Level One listening to spur your curiosity about your client. Boredom can be used as a tool to either call you forth or to push you away. First examine your boredom. What in particular bores you about this client? Is it her tone of voice? Is it her choice of topics? If you are bored, it’s your responsibility as coach to get curious about what’s going on for both you and the client. I’d also be curious about her focus on minutia and articulate something to that effect. “Client, I know that you want to focus on these statistics that you keep generating and I’m curious about what makes them so important to you?” Another question that you can ask is, “If you weren’t focusing solely on these statistics, what else might you put your attention on?”

You could also tactfully articulate your own sense of boredom. “Client, I’m noticing that I’m feeling bored right now. Here’s where you lost me…(Explain when and why you lost interest.) I’m wondering if you’re feeling bored with the situation right now, too?” If the answer is yes, then ask what would not bore the client in the moment. If not, then have her explore another way to tell you what’s important to her.

Usually, people become boring when they’ve lost their sense of aliveness and passion for the topic of discussion. How can you help them reconnect to their aliveness around their issues? You can remind them of what they yearn for. You can also have them step into their values and have them envision life from their Future Self’s point of view. What other perspective can they stand in that is more lively than the one that they currently inhabit?

You mentioned that your client is anxious. I am imagining that your client feels out of control and is using the minutia of her life to re-establish some sense of being in control. I would have the client remember times that she has taken control of hard situations, have her re-experience her resourcefulness in the face of other obstacles. It’s possible that her anxiety is siphoning off her aliveness and thus causing you to experience your client as boring.

When I’ve been bored by clients, I’ve noticed that my clients have subtly found ways to distance themselves from both me and themselves so that there was no energy left in the conversation. Gremlins can use boredom as a way of protecting clients from making changes or to manage their anxiety. Either way boredom is an invitation to find out what’s really going on.

Looking at the big picture, any emotion that you feel as a coach can serve as the impetus to get curious and find out what your body/mind is responding to. Whether it’s fear, joy, boredom, excitement, irritation or any of the other numerous human emotions with which you are endowed, use your emotion in the service of the client. Level One is a great place to start your exploration. “Don’t leave home without it!”

Are there special things that I should be thinking about when coaching a celebrity?

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have recently been asked to do a sample session with a celebrity. Are there any special things that I should be thinking about when coaching them?
L.A.

Dear L.A.:
In my experience, celebrities are people first and celebrated people second. It is easy for coaches to get swept up in the celebrity’s persona and lose sight of the person behind the story. This is especially true in this era of idolizing or demonizing celebrities and separating art and politics from our everyday life. Don’t confuse the celebrity with the person. In my own minute brush with “celebrity,” I have become very aware of the power of projection. Once one is seen as a public figure, all sorts of expectations get projected onto the person and, although this happens regularly with non-celebrities, it is a force that must definitely be dealt with to a much greater degree by people in the public eye. Don’t ignore the celebrity aspect of this person, but don’t get seduced by it either.

Confidentiality and trust are essential for everyone but they are especially necessary in regard to coaching a celebrity. Here too, the context of self-management becomes essential. Why do you want to coach this person? If he or she weren’t famous would you still be interested in this person? Celebrities often get used because they are celebrities. Make sure that you are offering to coach this person because you really believe in him or her and want to support her or him to have a fulfilled, balanced and present-in-the-moment life. Don’t coach people just because they are famous. Just as it is easy to get seduced by your client’s celebrity status, it’s also easy to become seduced by the halo effect of coaching a celebrity. It can certainly raise your standing to say that you are coaching somebody famous. Rest assured, however, you can just as easily destroy your credibility as a professional and coaching’s credibility as a profession by talking about your client without his or her expressed permission. Design your alliance clearly in this matter.

Curiosity is particularly helpful in coaching a celebrity client. Your life experience might be very different from that of the celebrity whom you are coaching. Be curious about his or her experience. Rather than making assumptions about that person’s life, be truly interested and ask questions that will illuminate her or his experiences not only for you but for your client as well.

The biggest gift that you can offer this client to hold him or her naturally creative, resourceful and whole and get really curious about what he or she is willing to create from this place of success. All of the Co-Active Contexts and Cornerstones are well designed to work with a celebrity client. Explore this person’s passion and yearning. Ask questions that he or she never gets asked and I’m sure that you’ll evoke this person’s interest and gratitude.