“Ask Judith” Archives

Anger management

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
I have a client with anger management problems. When he is under pressure at work, he has a very short fuse and can frequently blow up at the people he manages. Because his company is presently downsizing, he and everyone else in his unit are particularly tense. As you can imagine, the frequency of his explosions is increasing. Do you have any suggestions that will help my client better control his temper?
M.B.

Dear M.B.:
I’m not sure that “control” is the best description of what you are seeking. I’m more inclined to help your client foster awareness about his patterns of inappropriate expression of anger. Having your client notice his behavior under pressure is far more likely to evoke a different response than merely controlling his anger. Once he has awareness, then he can make informed decisions about what action he wants to take in each specific anger-provoking situation.

Anger is a healthy emotional state of varying intensity that everyone experiences from time to time. It is both a physiological and psychological response to a real or perceived threat, attack or actual loss. Due to nature and/or nurture, some people tend to feel quite comfortable with the proper expression of their anger, while others avoid anger at all costs. Anger, when appropriately expressed and responded to can be highly motivating and empowering. However, as you have indicated, anger also has a powerful negative side that can be both intimidating and destructive.

Because anger involves both one’s body and one’s mind, there are different approaches that one can use. One of the most popular things to do when one begins to feel overwhelmed by anger or aggression is to immediately take a “time out.” Either your client can practice counting to 10 before responding to the person who is angering him, or he can physically leave the room so that he can calm himself down and react from a less charged emotional space. Of course, rather than just stomping out of the room, it is helpful to let his colleagues know that he is taking a “time out” and will return to continue the discussion.

Counting to 10 is also an opportunity to practice deep breathing. Fresh air can both be soothing and open up a fresh perspective. With the introduction of increased oxygen in his system, he is likely to feel both calmer and open to a more harmonious discussion of the upsetting issue.

When I get angry, I like to do something that causes me to exert some physical energy. Although I am not a great jogger, I have found that feeling and hearing the pounding of my feet against the pavement has a restorative effect. Rather than holding on to my angry energy, I jog and release it into the ground. This creates both space and calm for me. Releasing physical energy should be a constructive act rather than a destructive one. Shouting at another person, slamming doors or punching a hole in the wall, although physically exerting, are also acts of violence.

In terms of dealing with the mind, having your client learn what triggers his anger can be very powerful. It’s best to do this when your client is calm and not in the heat of the anger. Have him look at what was said and what behavior occurred to trigger his anger. When he knows his triggers, he can at least prepare to deal with his anger in advance rather blasting one or more of his colleagues. For example, he might have gotten triggered when one of his reports didn’t complete an assignment on time. Worrying that upper management might question his own level of productivity, his fear of losing his job might have triggered his angry response. Stay curious with him about this. Don’t make any assumptions about what is going on for him. Do get him interested in his own triggering mechanism.

Expressing his anger in an unskillful way will likely cause a negative consequence to ensue that will further anger him. Have your client focus on the consequence he wants to evoke rather than his immediate reaction. Focusing on a positive consequence of his skillful expression of anger can encourage him to keep creating positive results.

It is almost trite or cliché to say, “Use ‘I’ statements when expressing your feelings.” However, saying how you feel doesn’t give the other person any room to argue. Your feelings are your feelings.

In a situation that I mentioned above, your client could say, “I feel totally frustrated that you waited until the last minute to tell me that you couldn’t complete the project. Because I didn’t know until today, I couldn’t get anyone else to help you with it. Consequently, now the completion of the project will be delayed. Especially at this crucial time when jobs are on the line, I’m very worried that we will be seen to be failing to keep up with production and our jobs might be cut. I know that you have been assigned several projects at the same time and I can imagine that it would be hard to complete all of them on time. Still, I would have appreciated and even welcomed your honest appraisal of what you could accomplish before things became unmanageable. We still have work to finish here, so I will need to know from you now what you honestly feel that you can finish and where you need help in order to complete the project in a timely manner.”

In the above example, your client stuck with his own experience and let his co-worker know exactly what he was feeling. This gives both your client and his colleague options in terms of behaviors that will be more advantageous for both of them. The more information both parties in an altercation share, the more opportunity there is for alliances to be built on common goals and desires.

The most important thing that your client can do in the moments preceding a possible outburst is to stop. Stop talking, stop thinking, just completely stop and breathe. After such a pause, he can take account of what is happening and then choose to either escalate his anger or soothe it.

Finally, here is one last tip. The ability to laugh at oneself or an impossible situation often provides the necessary distance to detach from the negative portions of anger. Encourage your client to look for the humor or the absurdity in the situation and see if he can make it work on his behalf. You never know. If your client gets proficient in defusing his anger through humor, he might have a future in stand-up comedy!