July 2005

How do I let my clients know that I’m listening to them when we are talking on the phone?

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
My Certification supervisor has told me that I say “Wow!” and “Ummm…” often in my coaching sessions. I’m not particularly aware that I do this, but I do know that I want to let my clients know that I am listening to them. Is it wrong to say this as a coach? How do I let people know that I am listening to them when I’m on the phone?
P.M.

Dear P.M.:
No, it is not wrong to say those words to your client, AND there are far more powerful ways to convey that you are listening to your clients. When you say, “Wow!” or “Ummm…” what are you feeling? I’m guessing it is more than that you just want to let your client know that you are listening. When you say, “Wow!”, are you impressed with something your client has done or the way that she/he was being? Let your client know that. Even better, acknowledge who they are being or articulate what is important about what they are doing so that they may deepen their learning and forward their action on their goals. “Wow, Sisyphus! I’m so impressed by your dedication to rolling that big stone up the hill, even though it always keeps rolling right back down.”

When you say “Ummm…,” what prompts that response? Since I can’t hear you say it, I’m imagining that you are trying to show empathy for your client’s situation. While comforting, you could be providing a response with more information for the client. “It must have taken all of your self-management skills to have not cried out in pain at Joe’s accusation that after 30 years together you were still a ‘lousy lover.’ And by the way, why not cry out in pain? Is this actually a good use of self-management skills?”

People often use one-word responses and assume that the other person involved in the conversation shares their experience of these responses. That’s not necessarily true. Especially when you do cross-cultural coaching, it is more important than ever to be clear in your responses and thus make sure that your client fully understands what you are saying. Single-word responses leave room for a lot of interpretation. They can also leave your client feeling disconnected, when these responses feel more generic than genuine. Words such as “Wow!” or “Ummm…” may seem obvious to you, and they function as a shorthand version of something far more profound. Share your clients’ impact with them directly and they will be absolutely clear that you are listening to them. If you have misunderstood them, that will give them the opportunity to correct you and deepen the connection between the two of you. If you really want to wow your clients, share your experience of them so that they can see their true magnificence.

What makes up a good homework assignment?

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
My coach pretty much always gives me good homework assignments to do between our coaching sessions, but I don’t know how to do that for my own clients. Do you have any thoughts about what makes up a good homework assignment? 
C.S.L.

Dear C.S.L.:
You’ve gotten me curious. What makes your coach’s homework assignments so powerful for you? I bet that you can begin to find some good answers there.

I imagine that what works about your coach’s homework assignments are that they are tied to something that supports your passion and that they create learning. I find that the most powerful homework assignments emerge from what my clients are yearning for. The key to creating homework assignments with impact is to be listening not only to what your client is saying but to what they are not saying, as well. Homework is a great way to begin to give space to that which we haven’t yet voiced.

The juiciest homework assignments that I’ve been given have stretched me intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Usually, they have me leave the comfort of my ingrained thoughts and behaviors, and bring me to places that I haven’t yet imagined or explored. Eric Kohner gave me my favorite homework assignment of this genre. He told me that in order for me to move forward in my leadership, I had to “fail flamboyantly.” When he first suggested that I do this, you can imagine that I was not particularly pleased. I did consciously go out and fail, but I was circumspect in my failures and didn’t really complete the assignment fully. However, recently I flagrantly failed flamboyantly. I have learned so much from this very public failure. Ironically, owning my failure so publicly has converted this failure into a grand success. I’ve come to a much broader understanding of myself as leader, and, as a result of this new perspective, many new opportunities have become available to me.

Homework assignments don’t always have to be about doing. Being is also important. In fact, learning to stop and notice can be life-changing. One homework assignment might be to spend an entire day in silence and see what you notice. Another homework assignment might be to consciously assume a character that is very different from you. Dress as this character would, eat as he/she would, really embody this person. See who you become as you take on those different characteristics.

I wonder: if homework were changed to “homeplay,” would that change your perspective on it? Homework is an opportunity to play with new ways of being and doing. If you see homework as a creative project, perhaps you can have more fun creating it. Clients can also be very helpful in generating homework assignments for themselves. Having your clients play—whether they spend time dreaming, constructing or practicing—will forward their goals and deepen their learning.

Most people think that coaching only happens during the time they spend with their coach. The truth is far different. The real coaching happens in the time in between sessions when your clients get to experiment and learn through the seeds that you and they have planted during the coaching session.