July 2006

Client came to session intoxicated

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have been coaching a client for about six months and up until recently, our coaching relationship has been solid and steady. However, during the past few weeks, my client has come late to our sessions and hasn’t seemed fully present. During our last session, he was intoxicated and it was hard to hold a conversation with him. What do I do?
J. N.

Dear J.N.: 
My first response is to ask you a question. What do you want to do? Common sense would have you tell your client that he is in no condition to be coached if he is intoxicated. Let him call you back when he is sober. Trust your instincts. They are most likely correct.

Given what you have told me about your relationship, this does not appear to be typical behavior for him. I am guessing that something is happening in his life that is stressful and that he doesn’t feel safe to talk about with you. Have you discussed his less-than-present status with him? I would be curious with him. This change in attitude is significant and deserves to be noted by both of you. Although he may not have been able to initiate the conversation, your curiosity about his preoccupation might provide the necessary invitation to speak about his seemingly changed circumstances. You might also ask him what he needs in order for him to be fully open with you about what is going on for him.

In regard to his drinking, I would suggest that you be direct with him. This is part of designing your alliance or perhaps redesigning your alliance. You will not coach him when he is drunk. This is not to be punitive. Rather, you want him to be as present as possible when he is being coached. You might also request that he not drink any alcohol several hours before his coaching session with you so that he can be focused and able to receive the full benefit of the coaching session.

I am imagining that his coming to the session intoxicated was a cry for help. When he is able to have a sober conversation with you, it will be important to ask him about the impact of drinking on his life. I’m curious about whether this is the first time that he has been out of control with alcohol or whether this is a pattern for him. You might also be curious about what he would be feeling if he weren’t intoxicated. People often drink as a form of self-medication when they feel unable to deal with their feelings. If he does have a problem with alcohol, you might suggest that he get involved in a program such as Alcoholics Anonymous or any other program that successfully deals with alcohol addiction.

It is important that you hold your client naturally creative, resourceful and whole despite the fact that his behavior is not serving him in regard to his coaching. Help him tap into both his internal resources and those external resources that are available. If this is a cry for help, you can be an excellent resource for guiding him to the support that he needs. And of course, it is important not to lose sight of the original issue that has been causing him to not be present and to come to his coaching session intoxicated.

Client afraid to end coaching

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith: 
I have a client that I have been working with for over two years. We successfully finish one project and then she comes up with another to do. I suppose that I should be happy about this situation but something doesn’t feel right to me about it. It almost feels as if she is afraid to end our relationship. What do you suggest?
C. A.

Dear C. A.: 
On the surface, it sounds like you have created a powerful coaching relationship. She is committed to working on her projects and she successfully completes them. This sounds like a positive arrangement.

And yet, something doesn’t feel right to you. I would trust your gut and become curious about what is going on. Some questions that arise for me are, “How is she using me as a coach? Am I just a project manager for her or do I provide something else? How do these projects fit in with her life goals and desires? Am I satisfied with the work that I have been doing with this client? If not, what do I need to change? Do I have a fear of becoming too attached to this client?”

Have you discussed your concern with her? Some people do have trouble with endings. What is interesting is that your client seems to be successful at finishing each of her projects. This is in marked contrast to someone who doesn’t like to end things.

I would refer you back to your designed alliance. Did you agree to work with one another for a specific period of time and you are now beyond the original agreement? Is your client satisfied with the service that you are providing? Do you need to redesign your alliance?

In the end, I think that it is best to discuss your concern with her and see what her experience of the coaching relationship has been. If she is satisfied and there are legitimate issues that she is working on then perhaps you just need to clarify your relationship. However, if your gut is correct, you might discuss her feelings about saying goodbye. This might be the most powerful part of your coaching relationship. Many people have trouble with ending relationships especially if they have been intimate and positive. Give her the opportunity to stretch into all of her feelings around ending her work with you. There is likely to be much learning for both of you in this conversation.