August 2007

What do clients yearn for?

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
I always start my discovery session by asking clients what they yearn for. Usually, it has a positive effect. However, my newest client is really put off by the question. She sees no point in yearning for anything because she “knows” her yearning won’t be fulfilled. To look at what she yearns for will just be a waste of time, according to her. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with this issue?
B.N.

Dear B.N.:
The word “yearn” may have some negative associations for your client. Often people have a sense of melancholy when speaking of their yearning. While you may think of it in positive terms, if your client has a negative reaction to the word, it is important for you to be flexible and find other terminology that will suit your client. What other words elicit the same feelings for you? I can think of several alternative ways of saying the same thing, such as: “What do you most want?” “If you could have your dream come true, what would it look like?” “When you look into the future and you see yourself totally fulfilled, what will you be doing?” I’m sure that you can think of several more ways to discuss yearning, as well.

Beyond the issue of semantics, I’d get curious about your client’s negative reaction. What has her “know” that her yearning won’t be fulfilled? It sounds as though she has been extremely disappointed in the past. It’s possible that she is protecting herself from further disappointment by not letting herself yearn for anything currently. Is it possible that she’s missing more than she realizes by warding off her disappointment? What is the price that she’s paying for this current protection?

Have there been any times when she has wanted something and hasn’t been disappointed? What was that like for her? What conditions allowed her to want something even though she knew that she might be disappointed? What was bigger than disappointment in this case? I’d explore her positive experiences with wanting and desire in order to open up some new possibilities in the realm of desire.

I’m curious about what YOU yearn for in doing this exercise. I imagine that it has deep resonance for you. What do you hope that your client will get from speaking about her yearning? Have you shared your yearning about this exercise with your client? Perhaps knowing where your desire is coming from will arouse her desire, as well.

Whenever I think about the word yearning, I automatically lean forward. Yearning pulls me toward something. I have a visceral sense of connection to the object of my desire. It’s interesting to note that people can have such differing physical reactions to one word.

Regardless of the terminology you are using, you are tapping into an important source of power and motivation. Yearning, desire and hope all can serve to move clients toward achieving their objectives and their dreams. This is true whether a client is an individual or a group. Sharing hopes and dreams can often diffuse contentious situations among disparate groups of people. I have found that when people share their hopes, there is an inherent vulnerability that opens up space and deepens connections.

Another hidden gift of clients speaking about their hopes, desires and yearning is that a strategy to attain what they desire usually lives in the very desire that they are expressing. For example, I have a client who yearns to be the best parent she can be. When I asked her what being the best parent she can be looks and feels like, she has a very detailed description of what she means. When I asked her why being such a good parent was so important to her, she told me that she never felt loved by her parents and she wanted her kids to know that they were loved and cherished. Her intent is to help them naturally feel good about themselves in ways that she still needs to work to achieve in her own life. Knowing what she wants for her children, and why, has helped her formulate reasonable actions and objectives that honor her yearning. Ironically, she has also realized that being the best parent she can be also includes letting other people (friends and family) help her with her parenting tasks and needs. Thus, she doesn’t feel overwhelmed and upset with her kids the way her parents did with her and her brothers.

One last note on yearning: While yearning has me lean forward, it also calls me forth to make an effort toward what it is that I desire. It’s important to help our clients realize that we must do more than dream or yearn in order to have what we want materialize in our lives. While the Law of Attraction does have its power, there are also activities that must occur in the physical world for desires to be realized. If your clients’ dreams are to be fulfilled, they must have a plan and goals that will allow them to make their dreams real. Even having a plan and goals is not sufficient. The powerful juice of making our dreams become real is to take action. Without action there is no feedback mechanism about the plan and goals on which we are working. Nor is there an opportunity to deepen our learning in the moment about the success or failure of our project. Thus, as coach, you must consistently attend to both the being and the doing of your clients’ hopes and dreams. The ongoing question in which a coach ideally lives is: “How can I best help make real and nurture the yearning, hopes and dreams of my client?”