“Ask Judith” Archives

Client talks non-stop!

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith: 
I have a client who talks nonstop and hardly lets me get a word in edgewise. When I finally do manage to say something, it feels like she is only waiting for me to finish talking so that she can talk again. I’m getting worn down by these sessions and I wonder if she is even coachable.
E.L.

Dear E.L.: 
There is a wonderful coaching skill called “Intrude/Take Charge” that would be quite applicable here. Yes, I know that it is not particularly polite to intrude in a conversation, but neither is it polite to be barraged by an endless assault of words. My guess is that your client is not aware of what she is doing and likely hasn’t been told that her behavior is problematic. You will be doing both of you a great favor to stop her onslaught and to teach her about noticing her impact on other people.

A conversation consists of two or more people exchanging thoughts, feelings and information. If one of you is precluded from talking by another, the conversation becomes a monologue that then ceases to benefit anyone. Why would one speaker not want to include another in a conversation? Frequently, speakers who allow no room for another are either overly excited or nervous. Either emotion (and they are closely tied together) can cause speakers to lose connection with their audience and be unaware of their impact. Another possibility is that the person is manipulating the conversation to avoid uncomfortable topics. Your job as a coach is to say and do whatever is necessary to help your clients live fulfilled, balanced and present-in-the-moment lives. This can often involve speaking the hard truth or asking uncomfortable questions. If there is no room for you to speak, then your client doesn’t have to deal with what you have to say.

Finally, it is possible that this is the first time that someone has taken the time to truly listen to your client’s desires, and she can’t believe that it will last. She’s packing it all in now before she imagines that she will lose you.

Regardless of the cause, it’s important to interrupt the client and get her grounded in the present. You must be intentional about this. It is fine to interrupt and say, “Stop!” You can follow the “Stop!” comment with another comment, such as “You are saying so much that is important and we both need to take the time to digest it together.” Or, “You do not feel like you are fully present to your experience. So let’s slow your story down and really get into what is most important to you.” Or, “Are you aware that I have been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes? When I can’t get a word in, I make up that you don’t even care if I’m here or not. Let’s see how we can work on this together.”

Any of these three responses are opportunities for you to bring the client back into relationship with you and to explore where your client creates a positive or negative impact on you. It’s likely that if she has trouble interacting with you, she also has similar difficulties interacting with other people. As her coach, you can give her helpful non-judgmental pointers in regard to what creates positive impact and what will have her listeners turn away from her.

As always, be curious. Not only will you model appropriate conversational behavior, but also you’ll start to get her interested in what is going on for her. Once she is interested and aware of her own inner process, she will then be able to more easily manage her energy and she will be able to competently attend to what you have to say.

Client always blames others

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith: 
My client always finds a way to blame somebody else for his misfortunes. Granted, people have not always been kind to him, but he never sees that he contributes to what is happening to him. Do you have any suggestions for working with this kind of client?
Z.N.

Dear Z.N.: 
I believe that most of us would like to shift perceived blame from ourselves to other people. After all, who wants to feel bad about the actions that we may or may not have taken? However, blame is not particularly useful when creating learning, especially in painful situations. The most important thing that you can do in working with a client around this issue is to establish that there is more than one point of view about the situation in which he finds himself. Interestingly, there are clients who have the same problem in reverse. They take the blame for everything rather than realistically assessing a situation to determine what is going on.

The primary question to ask your client is whether he’d like to resolve the situation favorably or whether he is more interested in being right. If he is attached to the latter option, take the time to explore with him what being right means to him in this situation. Usually, when clients are wedded to a certain point of view, they have attached some part of their identity to its meaning, and giving up that point of view can feel like a death for them. In this case, it’s very important to explore the meaning that this outcome has for your client in order to be able to help shift his perspective later on.

When your client is ready to resolve the situation, I would have him imagine what the other players in the situation might be feeling and thinking. It’s important for the client to be able to see the big picture rather than just his particular point of view. Try to flesh out the other points of view so that they are just as compelling as his. With this new outlook, have the client look at the possibility that he had some input into the creation of the problem. If he is still resistant, you could suggest something like “If you had 1% responsibility for this problem, what would it look like?”

Another path to take in exploring this issue would be to wonder with this client what role he is playing in the larger situation? If he continually finds himself in the same position, perhaps he’s taken on a position in his organization or family or other group interaction that pulls for him to find himself in these similar situations. It would be helpful to have him look at what draws him to these specific types of situations rather than those that don’t demand some level of blame.

Finally, I would ask him if blaming others has helped him achieve his goals in the situations that he has faced. Most likely the answer will be no. Again, this will be a good time to revisit whether he wants to be right or whether he wants to be successful in the situation. If he is now ready to strategize in a positive way, encourage him to look for as many options as possible. Should he not be able to get past being right, you might suggest that he do some personal work to discover what is blocking his success.