“Ask Judith” Archives

"Future Self" visualization

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
While I really like the “Future Self” visualization that we learn in CTI’s Fulfillment course, it doesn’t always resonate with all of my clients. Do you have any other visualizations or ideas that can create a picture for those who don’t find the “Future Self” visualization helpful?
L.S.

Dear L.S.,
Unfortunately, I don’t have another specific “Future Self” visualization to offer to you at this time. Some people are not visual and, thus, have difficulty visualizing anything. If this is the case, use another sense to evoke the experience that they would like to have. For example, a piece of music could be just as powerful as visualization. For others, perhaps doing something kinesthetic, such as moving in a certain way, could also prove to be evocative. Visualization is just one device to activate our imagination. Ask your clients what works for them and go with that.

Using my own powers of imagination right now, I’m thinking of other possibilities that could get your clients into a powerful experience of their future. Here are some ideas that you can either tweak and/or use as is:
 

• Have clients write a short story about a character that has some quality that they want to manifest. In this story, have the character be victorious over some large obstacle.
• Have clients choose a play that is particularly moving. Then have clients pick the character with whom they most identify. What is it about this character that calls forth your clients? How can your clients use this information in their current life?
• Have clients imagine themselves suffering from extreme hunger. Have them feel this feeling for at least five minutes. In addition, prepare them for this exercise by telling them that they have the freedom to do anything they need to in order to get something to eat. This is a matter of absolute survival. What internal and or external resources did they find to help them satiate their hunger?

In brainstorming these ideas, I didn’t rely on visualization. You can make up anything you want. That is one of the gifts of being naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Play with it. Allow your mind to let go a bit and let your being create a new experience. Out of that experience, make up something that will be particularly appropriate for your client. Better yet, train your clients to generate their own creative tricks to evoke their own powerful experiences.

I'm jealous of my client

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
I have a very embarrassing problem. I am envious of a specific client. She’s in her early thirties, married to a wonderful man who adores her. She has a mid-level management job at a local corporation and seems to be on the fast track to success. I claimed this woman as my client because she is successful. A few weeks ago, she told me that she and her husband are pregnant with their first child. Somehow this wonderful news has brought up these ugly feelings in me.

Why should she get everything she wants and not me? I am angry and envious of her. I feel myself tighten up at this news. I have managed to hide my feelings from her, but I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I don’t want to talk about this with anyone that I know because they’ll think that I am not acting like a professional. Please don’t even print my initials. Thanks for any help that you can give me.
—Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for having the courage to admit your feelings out loud. Even though you remain anonymous, it takes strength to come out and talk about something of which you are ashamed. Asking for help in the face of a problem is not only good for you, it is also the mark of a professional.

I’m sure that many coaches have found themselves momentarily envying their clients. I have had this experience more than once. Initially, I, too, was upset and had a hard time accepting my less-than-magnanimous response to clients whom I envied. However, one day I went to hear a lecture on envy given by a noted psychoanalyst. She spoke about envy in a very humane and down to earth manner. Her description of it has stayed with me for years.

She asked the audience that was composed of psychoanalytically trained therapists and psychiatrists, “How many of you envy the English Royal Family?” (This was before all the marital troubles beset the Royal Family.) Nobody raised a hand. Then she asked us, “How many of you envy your neighbor down the block who just bought a new car?” Numerous hands went up. She went on to explain that we generally envy that which we think that we can have. It was a wonderful perspective shift for me. I know that I will never be part of the Royal Family, and I don’t have to spend time wanting to be a queen. However, I could want a new car. Even though I might feel that I don’t have the money for it right now, I still know that if I really wanted a new car immediately, I would find a way to get it.

Envy can be a wonderful message to ourselves to rethink what it is that we want. While it is often not socially acceptable to envy others, it is a very human and natural feeling. What was it about your client’s being pregnant that set off your envy? Was it that you, too, desire to have a child? Or was it the idea that everything comes easily to her? Perhaps it was even the picture that she has it all: success in her home life and her work life? It could be helpful for you to look at your own desires and see what it is that she has that you want. You might then set yourself a goal to start to call that forth in your own life.

Wanting a child and being unable to conceive or wanting a child and not having the means to have one can evoke deep feelings of loss, envy and grief. Again, all of these feelings are natural responses to your situation. This appearance of envy might be a signal that it is time for you to devote some more attention to your own feelings. There are many people and groups who specialize in fertility issues, as well as single parenting and adoption. Honor your envy and get the personal support that you deserve. Working through these feelings will benefit both you and your clients.

I think if you ask other coaches if they have ever felt envious of their clients or of other coaches, and they are honest, you will get a positive response. This sounds like a great topic to discuss with other coaches when you feel able to accept your own desires and losses. You might find great relief in knowing that you are not alone and you also might find other ways to hold your envy that would actually support both you and your client.

Finally, what would you say to your client if she admitted her own envious feelings? I doubt that you would shame her or treat her poorly in the face of those feelings. Imagine that you are your own client now and coach that part of yourself that is envious. What does it want? Envy typically involves a desire to destroy or take away what someone else has. What is it that you want to destroy or take away from your client? What will that give you? How else can you get that? How can you feel supported by your client’s experience rather than diminished?

Again, I appreciate your honesty, your vulnerability and your courage to bring up an issue that is often marginalized in our lives. Thank you for writing me and letting others know that they, too, are not the only ones experiencing envy.