“Ask Judith” Archives

Dealing with Disabilities

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have a client who is disabled. She is physically unable to walk and thus uses a wheelchair in order to do her daily activities. How do I coach her to deal with the way that non-disabled people respond to her? People either treat her as if she is a child and incapable of doing anything for herself or they completely ignore her. I am not disabled and although I try to be empathic, not having her experience in life, I don’t really know what it is like.
H.S.

Dear H.S.:
I have heard disabled people refer to non-disabled people as “temporarily able-bodied.” I think this is a perspective that can be helpful to all of us. In other words, try to imagine how you would like to be treated in that same situation, as you never know when you will find yourself with some form of physical limitation.

Traditionally, able-bodied people have tended to distance themselves from disabled people and thus miss the opportunity to experience disabled people as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, despite whatever limitations their bodies may impose on them. People with disabilities do tend to be marginalized. This means that their concerns and feelings often are not responded to with the same amount of awareness and consciousness as able-bodied people experience. Until disability becomes normalized, both able-bodied and disabled people will suffer.

That said, in order for your client to get her needs met, she does need to educate those around her. It is important for her to let people know that although she can’t walk, she is neither cognitively nor physically impaired. Constantly having to educate people can be tiring and upsetting. One way to alleviate some of this stress is to cultivate able-bodied allies who will share that burden with her.

My first experience of being an ally occurred when a disabled friend and I got lost on a university campus. My friend asked a passerby for directions and he directed his response to me. Unfortunately, I am both directionally and hearing impaired. I insisted that he talk to my friend, as she was the one who asked him the question.

Another strategy that can be helpful is to design alliances with people with whom she has frequent dealings. Letting people know what she can and can’t do will make it easier for both her and others to know what to expect. Ignorance and fear of offending disabled people often make the situation harder than it needs to be. By designing an alliance, both your client and others can get their needs met in their interactions.

In your role as a coach, it is important for you to listen to and validate your client’s feelings. It’s also important to keep her mindful of the possibilities these encounters can hold. Disability, like any challenge, allows people to stretch and grow. Although she might live her life in a chair, she is constantly dancing between independence and dependence. The gift for her and her partners is to find the steps to interdependence

Coaching Honeymoon

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I have been a coach for seven years and I am embarrassed to admit that my honeymoon with coaching seems to be over. When I first started coaching, I really loved the work but now I feel like it is no longer fun or exciting. I feel trapped and angry. What should I do?
R.M.

Dear R.M.:
Reading your question, I felt that you could have just as easily been writing about a seven-year romantic relationship. It seems to me that what you are really wondering about is how to keep a long-term relationship fulfilling and vital. Just as you must put energy and attention into the needs of a romantic relationship, you must also pay attention and invest energy in your relationship with coaching.

I’m especially interested in your feelings of being trapped and of anger. I’m wondering whether your perspective on your situation is generating these feelings, whether your clients are evoking these feelings or if it is a combination of both. As you know, the perspective that you bring to a situation has a great impact on what you believe is possible. If you feel angry and trapped by your clients, it’s important for you to redesign your alliances with them.

I would imagine that in addition to feeling angry and trapped, you might also feel disappointed especially if coaching has held great promise for you. This is an excellent opportunity to be honest with yourself and see what you might need to change in order to get your needs met.

What kind of alliance have you designed for yourself around your coaching work? What rules do you have in place to support you? Are you working too hard and taking on more responsibility than is necessary? It sounds like you have a successful practice but maybe you need to put some more effort into finding clients who really excite you rather than settling for clients who evoke negative feelings in you.

What made coaching so exciting for you when you first started out? It might be helpful to remember what made you passionate then. Was it the fact that you were learning new skills and were adopting new perspectives? Perhaps investing in some continuing education can help you rekindle the flame of new learning. CTI has excellent Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching courses if you want to learn to coach groups as well as individuals. Other coach training schools also have many different courses that can complement your Co-Active coach training.

When you first felt that coaching was no longer fun and exciting, what did you notice that was different? Did your clientele change in any significant way? Do you have a niche and is that niche still interesting to you? Creating a niche is not only good for business but it’s also good for creating recognition and expertise in a particular area. Focusing on one niche might create new excitement for you if you have coached people in many different areas. On the other hand, if you have developed a niche, it is possible that you have outgrown it and need to look for a new area as your specialty.

If you could imagine the perfect coaching job for yourself right now, what would it look like? What learning can you take from your present experience in designing your new coaching experience? If you don’t have a coach at the present time, I would seriously consider hiring one. You could benefit from talking to someone who can help you design and implement these changes in your practice. At the very least, seek out other older coaches who have weathered the natural ebbs and flows of long-term relationship. With your coach and colleagues’ input, you might soon find yourself enjoying a second honeymoon.