December 2005

Spirituality and coaching

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
I was just at the ICF Conference in San Jose and I noticed that several speakers talked about spirituality and coaching. I am uneasy about talking about spirituality because I believe that spirituality is a private matter. Do you think it is appropriate to talk about spirituality in coaching?
G.J.

Dear G.J.: 
I believe that anything that your client brings to a session warrants a conversation. Whether coaching remains the only or best place for that conversation depends upon your knowledge of and comfort with the subject. When I think about spirituality in its broadest sense, I think of it as the search for meaning in life. Certainly that is a question worthy of coaching.

It is especially important in conversations about spirituality that we don’t impose our own spiritual (or lack of spiritual) beliefs on our clients. The best way to remain truly open is to stay curious and find out what is meaningful to your clients. What may be meaningful to your clients may have no meaning for you and vice versa. Get very interested in what is meaningful for your clients and why. This will likely plug into their values and what they find satisfying in life. You may not agree with them, but you can certainly deepen their understanding and connection to what they hold important for themselves.

No matter what you believe about spirituality, it takes a certain amount of courage and a willingness to be vulnerable and intimate to have a spiritual discussion. By initiating this discussion, your client would be offering you a huge gift of trust and confidence. You do not have to share your spiritual views with your clients. You can benefit them, however, by exploring their spiritual experiences and beliefs.

Each of the world’s great religions shares common beliefs about how to live fruitful, meaningful lives. Although they may take different paths to get there, they all arrive at the same place. In my opinion, theology is very different from spirituality. If your clients have theological questions, you might want to refer them to their minister, imam, priest or rabbi.

In my own experience of working with clients, the most powerful sessions have been ones in which my clients have come to a deeply meaningful place about how they are living their lives. Some mention spirituality in the course of these discussions, some never do, and yet you can feel a distinct change in the atmosphere when these meaningful places are touched. The best word I can use to define the feeling is sacred. However, I don’t always describe it that way to my clients. Authentic, real, intimate, connected are also words that, to me, define a sacred space. I don’t feel the need to impose my particular spiritual point of view on my clients. I trust that the spirit will manifest in the language and feeling that is most accessible to my clients.

Client wants advice

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith:
My client keeps asking me for advice and I know that we were trained not to give advice. What shall I do?
E.R.M.

Dear E.R.M.: 
So, it would seem that you, too, are asking for advice! That’s okay because this is an advice column. However, you’ll also notice that I always ask questions in my answers, as well. In my response, I invite you to see what is most helpful to you.

The first thing that I wonder when I hear your question is what is it that your client is truly asking for? Does he or she need facts? Is your client looking for a strategy? 
Does your client think that you have some particular expertise from which he/she can benefit? All of these questions are great questions to explore with your client so that you can be clear about what is really being requested of you.

For example, my client knows that I was a therapist before I became a coach and she asks me, “What schools provide the best training to become a therapist?” I could immediately list my favorite schools without exploring the question any further. That would definitely be advice and, actually, it would also be just my opinion, even though I do have some expertise in this area. A more powerful approach is to ask my client what kind of training she wants in particular. Is she interested in learning how to do classical analysis? Is she interested in working with individuals or groups? Does she want to work in corporations or outside of corporations? There are many questions to ask.

Let’s assume that she wants to work with individuals and she wants to provide a mind/body approach in her work. I would ask her if she knew any people who did that work. If she said yes, I would encourage her to talk to them and find out what worked and didn’t work about their training and also have them suggest other people to whom she might talk. If she didn’t know anyone, I would first suggest that she contact some professional organizations to put her in touch with therapists who do this sort of work. In short, I would send her out to do some research. I might also suggest that she go to the library and see what graduate schools specialize in doing mind/body or holistic therapy. I’d also suggest that she might look into special body-oriented trainings, as well as regular therapy programs. My suggestions might be construed as advice, but they will also lead her to more information to make her own decisions about where and how she wants to be trained.

Sometimes, you do have specific expertise that can be helpful to your clients. You can ask your clients if they want your professional advice in your particular area of expertise. Suppose you have a client whose writing has been plagiarized. You are a lawyer and you actually have some experience with copyright infringement. Assuming that your client has no legal background and wants your legal knowledge, this could be helpful. You might suggest that your client hire a lawyer and you might suggest some specific questions to ask the lawyer. Personally, I would refrain from recommending a specific lawyer because your client might feel obligated to use that person. As in my first example, you can suggest that your client research the field and pick someone whom your client feels can best represent her/him. On the other hand, clients may decide that they don’t want to use your expertise, and you need to be respectful of that decision, as well.

My rule of thumb is to first find out what your client is really seeking and then help your client find it. When we talk about our clients being “naturally creative, resourceful and whole,” we are encouraging our clients to use all of their resources, both internal and external. However, it benefits your clients to ask in advance whether they want your advice. Do remain unattached if they choose not to use it.