“Ask Judith” Archives

Perfectionism

by Judith Cohen

Dear Judith,
I have a client who is in a very demanding doctoral program and he is rapidly becoming less and less tolerant of his mistakes and imperfections. Although he has been a perfectionist in the past, I want to work with him to become more aware of this tendency before it overwhelms him and sabotages his graduate school experience. Do you have any antidotes for “being perfect?”
JZ

Dear JZ,
Fortunately, “being perfect” will never need an antidote because perfection is an ideal state and thus to my mind can never be fully reached. Perfection can, however, serve as a calling forth of our best selves. In that way, it can be honored both as an ideal and as a tool.

Rather than going for perfection, I would look at what criteria would define sustained success, and I would look at how these goals could be reached. Sustained excellence and success can be reached by setting SMART goals that are attainable and reflect our true values. I think having a measurable goal puts the lid on some of perfectionism’s obvious excesses and provides a human standard to aspire to rather than godlike omnipotence.

Another helpful strategy is to ask for help. Your client could talk to his professors or teaching assistants to get a better understanding of the information. He might also confide his concerns about his work to get some unbiased external feedback on how well he is actually doing and what practical steps he might take to further deepen his knowledge.

However, when used obsessively and not tempered by reality, perfection can easily turn into a bludgeon that foils our best attempts at success. Perfection is often generated by anxiety, and it obviously creates anxiety. Just as we ask people about “For the sake of what?” are you wanting or doing something, it can also be helpful to ask, “For the sake of what do you want perfection? How will it serve you?” Scratch the perfection gremlin deeply enough and I think you will find someone who feels less than, not good enough and not particularly “naturally, creative, resourceful and whole.”

Whether this is an issue for therapy or for coaching depends upon whether your client can own his feelings and be open to change. Since we are talking about a Co-Active coaching relationship, it also depends upon how self-managed you are in regard to your own feelings of perfection and grandiosity. If you haven’t worked on your own issues around perfection, your client’s perfection issues are very likely to hook you as well. For the majority of clients who have perfectionist features but do not define their lives by how perfect they are coaching is a great tool to explore what perfection means to them. Coaching can also encourage both cognitive and behavioral changes in regard to these perfectionist features. However, if the perfectionism is more deep-seated and pervasive, if it causes the client major anxiety or inhibits them from having a satisfying life—and they are resistant to giving up their hope for perfection—then a therapy referral would be a good idea.

I often ask people what they think about people whom they define as perfect. Most frequently the responses are “unapproachable,” “intimidating” and “unreal.” Of course, these are all projections, but it is helpful to think about what the impact might be of achieving your perfection fantasy. Why would you want to be perfect if people would feel that way about you?

Most times, people want to be perfect or achieve perfection because they want love, prestige or some other experience they feel they could not get otherwise. It sounds like the familiar refrain of, “If I just work harder maybe they’ll love me, promote me, etc.” Perfection might be seen as an attempt to gain control of what feels to be an out-of-control situation. Your client might be feeling out of control in the face of all the new learning that he is gathering.

Learning often involves stretching, questioning and adding or discarding our mental mindsets. This can be disorienting and upsetting for people no matter how committed one is to gaining knowledge. Perhaps your client’s perfectionism is one way of his taking control and slowing his learning process. You might suggest that he periodically take time to reflect on and integrate his new thoughts and feelings. This will ultimately prove to be more efficient than using perfectionism to gain control of his situation.

I also wonder how many people seek perfection in the hope of avoiding the insecurity of not knowing. Graduate school can be a time of free-fall, earth-shaking awareness and constantly looking for a place to hang on. Rather than avoiding the feeling of not knowing, you can encourage curiosity about being with this state and cultivating the strength to bravely own it. Ironically, when we can accept all of our feelings, both those we consider to be positive as well as those we shy away from, we can be visited by a feeling of peace that for many does seem like perfection.

Several decades ago, when I was training to be a therapist and my insecurities were fueling my own perfectionist tendencies, my supervisor asked me a question that I have come back to many times over the years. “Do you want to be perfect or do you want to be whole?” Wholeness is much more fulfilling than perfection, although never having achieved perfection, I’m currently speaking purely from conjecture.

Finally, as human beings, we make meaning out of our experiences. What is perfect to one person may be positively imperfect to another. It is possible to declare any experience as perfect just the way it is. That is another perspective for people to explore. Rather than denying reality, honor it and see what is available for deepening our learning about others and ourselves, while forwarding appropriate action that allows an honest and helpful approach to the situation at hand.